Outstanding

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of wheat.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

“The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”


Not my original work.

One Liners – not my original work


Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry; now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 6.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won’t say I’m worn out, but I don’t get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says: “Oh, oh, here she comes.”

When you can’t find the sunshine…be the sunshine.



Why is that?


Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



Again not my original, but hope you enjoyed!


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