Just One

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Good Friends

It’s 8:30am on a Wednesday morning. I awake and immediately know that something good is in store for today.  A moment to think – Oh yes!  It’s Wednesday my day in town with “the girls” of the Knit for Charity group. This is always a fun afternoon, filled with deep discussions, some disagreements, some agreements, but always in the spirit of good friendship. We meet at the club, where the staff go out of their way to make us welcome, and we feel comfortable and “at home” there. So, looking forward to all that, I get out of bed, and head for the kitchen for my first coffee of the day.  Incidentally, I’ve been cutting down on coffee, so this is my first of two coffees I allow myself for the day.  Too much of a good thing and all that!

In happy anticipation I continue through my usual morning routine, having already chosen the outfit I plan to wear for the day, and looking forward to going out in my nice swishy long skirt and matching blue top. Must try to find a matching blue mask, I think as I look at the clothes. A navy one would go well, but I only have my butterfly ones or black ones, so choosing the butterfly one, I lay it with the rest of the outfit. Masks are here to stay I think to myself, not unhappily.

At the appointed time, I put on my lovely outfit, feeling feminine and nice, and hoping that it covers what a dear friend calls “the jiggly bits” which women my age seem to end up with no matter how hard we try!  The mirror says I look fine, no jiggly bits in sight, so I smooth down the skirt and “swish” out of my room, feeling confident and content.

I am ready to leave, so I locate my husband who is working in the yard somewhere.  I find him and present myself with the question “Does this look alright?”    “What?” he replies squinting at me in the bright sunlight.  “The outfit!” I say, not without a touch of frustration. “It’s perfect” he states, and I know  for the umpteenth time, why I love him so much! 

So having gained my husband’s critical approval, I get in the Ranger and head off to town.

I arrive early at the club, so I sit in the air conditioned comfort of the Ranger for a while, waiting to see any of the familiar cars arriving.  I can see one of the girls are here already, and I see another driving into the car park, so I hop out and go through the hoops to get into the club.  Val greets me cheerily at the front desk, and Christine takes my card and “swipes” me in. It’s nice to be known I think to myself, to feel that you belong.

As predicted one of the girls is already there, sitting at “our” traditional table.  I stand chatting to her for a bit, then order my coffee and sit down at the table.  The other girls arrive and gather round.  Pleasant chit chat and catching up on news.  We start our knitting, and sit comfortable together, other ladies in the club smile, or pass a comment, and we are all feeling really good.

I walk around to chat to some other friends sitting nearby, greet “our” waitress and stand chatting to her for a few seconds, before returning to the table,

As I sit down, I notice something!  I am appalled! I am stunned!  I have no idea what to do next!!

I have both my T Shirt AND my skirt on inside out!  What to do?!  Should I just point it out and laugh it off, try to sneak away to the bathroom and hope no one has noticed? I’ve been parading around the club with my clothes on inside out!  How will I ever live it down.

I decide, based on that thought, not to alert the girls to my mistake, and so, hoping I can make it to the ladies room without anyone noticing, I excuse myself from the table and make a bee line for the ladies room.  This entails walking across the whole club and through the café, eyes down hoping there is no one I know around that corner!  Oh no!  Things just got a whole lot worse!!

As I come around the corner, intent on getting to the bathroom as soon as possible, there, at the very last table, right before the corridor to the ladies room, is an ex-boyfriend whom I have not seen in a zillion years!

Now, a whole new dilemma!  Should I pretend I don’t see him? Pretend I don’t recognise him? Press on past as though my life depends on getting to the ladies room?

So, here I am, clothes on inside out, feeling awfully flustered, and probably looking red and embarrassed, I decide to simply put my head down and not “see” anything but the floor.  This plan works perfectly, right up until I am passing his table.  “Hey Wendy” a familiar voice says “I knew you were living here, didn’t expect to see you though, what a nice surprise”

Well I think to myself, not quite the way one wants an ex-boyfriend to see one after all these years!! 

With no other choice, I look up and smile weakly, feeling even more stupid than before, and even more embarrassed!

“Oh” I say “Hello”  feeling silly that I cannot say more than that, but my brain has gone numb and has nothing to give me!  We look at each other in silence, there seems nothing else to say at this point.

“Please excuse me” I blurt out and rush towards the saving door of the ladies room. It closes comfortably behind me, and I begin to breathe again, hanging onto the basin and telling myself it’s OK!  He probably thinks I have some awful disease that makes me rush to the ladies room!  I am covered in embarrassment and wonder how to deal with the situation from here on.  Visions of how I looked when last he would remember seeing me – young, slim – hair down to my waist, jeans, shirt, leather jacket and boots is the vision that comes to mind! Bit different these days I think wryly!

I catch sight of myself in the mirror, clothes on inside out, hair all over the place (another dear friend says “boat hair, don’t care” when her hair is a mess, so that’s what I say to the woman starting back at me in the mirror.  She agrees wholeheartedly!

I right my clothes, taking extra care to make sure I have it right this time! Yes seams to the inside now, should be all good!   I survey the end result in the unforgiving mirror.  “Well, that will have to do” I tell myself. “No leather, no jeans, no boots, and no hair down to my waist, but you got what you got”.

  “Now walk out of here like nothing in this world can stop you, with all the confidence of a club manager.  Hold your head up, tell him it was so nice to see him again, and go back to the safety of the circle of your friends.  You are not the person he knew then, you are a  grown woman, a grandmother now, so be proud.

As I finish admonishing myself in the mirror,  a lady appears from one of the stalls, smiles at me as says “You go girl, you got this”  I am again covered with embarrassment.  I mutter thanks and head for the door, big deep breath and open!  And there he is, still handsome after nearly 30 years!   He looks up as I once again approach, since there is only one way to go and that is passed his table.

“We should have coffee sometimes” he says cheerily, and I fervently hope he didn’t notice my clothes the first time!   “You look good” he adds.   In that instant I wonder if he did notice?

I smile in return, say “thanks, yes we should” and move towards my friends, now happily knitting and chatting, with bursts of laughter as I approach.  Are they laughing at me?  No, someone has told a joke and they are all laughing heartily!  How I enjoy their company, I think as I resume my seat at the table, hoping I look calm and confident and in control when I am feeling none of those things!

One of the girls leans across the table and says quietly to me “see you fixed your clothes” with an understanding smile, and I again think how blessed I am to have friends who don’t point out my faults and mistakes, but who “fix my crown without telling me it’s crooked”

Everyone should have such a circle of friends.

I pick up my knitting, smile and relax!

(This story is based partly on truth and largely on fiction. Sentiments with regard to friends is real.    I hope you enjoyed reading it. Love Wendy)

Photo by Hebert Santos on Pexels.com

Kitchen Gadgets


So, as those of you who know me well, I’m not a cook. I don’t like cooking particularly, but I am fond of the “gadgets” that can make the task easier. Enter subject #1


Now maybe I am slow, but for weeks I could not get how this gadget was supposed to work! I would go to the marvelous YouTube and locate an instructional video, watch it carefully, and go “Oh yes, I see” and open whatever can I was endeavoring to open without spilling all over myself!

Come the next time I wanted to use this same gadget, I would fuss and fret over it, and eventually in sheer frustration that I could not get how to use it yet again, I would go back to YouTube and watch again. As soon as I saw it, “Ah Yes, I remember now” and away I would go again.

Rinse and repeat many times!

Today, a breakthrough!! I got the gadget out of the drawer, opened the can, and I didn’t have to check how to use it!

Perseverance pays off it would seem!


Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com

Enter Subject #2

The Beetroot Container

Now, everyone knows that Beetroot will spill! It does not matter how careful you are, or how much you take care NOT to spill it, it will spill. It’s just a fact of nature!

Well this marvelous little device SHOULD solve the problem! Alas, my “expertise” comes into play yet again.

I had, as you see, placed it carefully in the sink (so that if nature should strike I was well prepared) and upended the can (opened with Subject #1 with enormous success!) into the container. All good!! Feeling very pleased with myself that I had accomplished this feat of endurance, and confident that now the beetroot was safely contained, all was well.

HOW WRONG I WAS!!!

With all the confidence in the world, I grabbed the handle and lifted the now full container out of the sink!

HORRORS!

Beetroot in all directions! The handle is apparently NOT for lifting the entire container (as you can see from the picture) it is so you can raise the beetroot and take some out! Now, for those of us who have this continued love/hate relationship with beetroot, you KNOW that beetroot juice will spread faster than a mouse plague, and will get itself into every little nook and cranny within a country mile of the spill. You will be finding it for months to come, even though you clean up the mess immediately. You WILL find tiny splashes of beetroot juice in the most extraordinary places! And I speak from multiple experiences in this regard!


So the conclusion? Gadgets are great, but won’t necessarily make your job any easier!

Stay with me for more adventures in my kitchen!


Some people get wiser …..

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get older.

I read in Reader’s Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began to setup the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best.

Finally, the son said, “Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!”

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, “You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!”

Received from Becky Day.

I do not take credit for this funny, found online!


Why is that?


Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it’s called cargo?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



Again not my original, but hope you enjoyed!


Not My Work – but very funny

Expressions For High Stress Days

1. You! Off my planet!!

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny-hiney opinion would be…?

6. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

11. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

14. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

17. You say I’m a witch like it’s a bad thing.

18. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

20. Chaos, panic & disorder — my work here is done.

21. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

22. Earth is full. Go home.

23. Is it time for your medication or mine?

24. Awe, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

25. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

Received from Tina Timmerman.

Funny

So Funny

Actual Complaints Received By “Thomas Cook Vacations” From Dissatisfied Customers

1. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”

2. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”

3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”

4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”

5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”

6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”

7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ʽsiesta timeʼ. This should be banned.”

8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”

9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”

10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”

11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”

12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.”

13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”

14. “The brochure stated: ʽNo hairdressers at the resort.ʼ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”

15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”

16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”

17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”

18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”

19. “My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”

(Not my original – quoted from Net Search)


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