One Liners – not my original work


Telling a person to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I thought growing old would take longer.

Went shopping while hungry; now I’m the proud owner of Aisle 6.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “close enough.”

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

I won’t say I’m worn out, but I don’t get near the curb on trash day.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

Retired: under new management. See spouse for details.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says: “Oh, oh, here she comes.”

When you can’t find the sunshine…be the sunshine.



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